Madd Hatter's Mess

Ok, so I KNOW Im regular to give advice and have to ur fans a few times, but Ive got n2 a dilemma I CANT for the life of me figure out what to do and WTF happened to me?!! So I spur of the moment moved to florida and live with my Gf, yes I said it, Im GAY!!!! Get over it, like yall didnt know....ANYWHOOO her mom TRIPPED and went psycho and put her hands on me and called me a "queer dyke home-wrecker".....But theres more to that but I wont take it there right now. My point is, u PERSONALLY know me and KNOW how I roll, well except the last 10 yrs but Ill tell u this: imagine me n HS and add 10 yrs of hoes exs drugs LIFE and just all around shitn glitter and u can IMAGINE how ghetto fabulous I am now at my ripe age of 29!!! So, back to my question, how do I handle this whore "mom" of my gf?! I mean I HAVENT beat her face n like Id like too and have NOT said a word to her and yet she STILL calls and attacks me over the phone.  At one point I threw the phone and called her a whore. I mean REALLY?! Help me out here this bitch is 55 and acts 15. Do I kill the bitch and feed her to the Gators, maybe take the body to a hog farm....I know Ima lay low till I come back to Ohio then Im fitna let the bitch have it...any suggestions on WHAT to say or do?!!
Madd Hatter

Dear Madd Hatter,

First of all - I, for one, had no idea that you are gay!  This is more than a bit OUTRAGEOUS.  Give me a minute to come to terms with the shock of this revelation.

Okay, I'm back.  I got over it, just like you said we should.  I took this opportunity to come to terms with the previously entirely inconceivable idea of homosexuality.  Consider me enlightened.  Finally!

So, the great and knowledgeable Madd Hatter, who has helped those with such serious conditions as feeling unfabulous and general boredom, has problems of her own, huh?  Another shockerooney.  This all sounds fairly serious, like for real, though, Madd Hatter - I mean, you could really ruin your relationship with your girlfriend by badly handling this situation with her mother.  Calling the mom a whore was probably a step in the "badly" direction, to be honest.  Sure, she sounds like a nightmare, but giving her ammo against you isn't going to help in any way.  Her fire will have more fuel, and your girlfriend will resent the actions of both you and the mother.  If you leave the nasty behavior to the mother, then your girlfriend, whom, since she was worthy of your uprooting to Florida to pursue, I'm assuming is smart and able to see and process things clearly, will value your level-headed handling of her mother's nastiness, and place all of the blame for the negative situation on the direct source.  You just have to make sure that you let the direct source remain her mother, and the mother alone.

Don't give into your instincts to "roll" the way you might want to.  If those things you've listed that make your life "ghetto fabulous" are things you want to keep in your past (the hoes and drugs, etc.), then you need to keep your eyes on the prize.  I'm hoping the prize is a stable relationship with this girl, and I'm also hoping that stable includes neither of you on drugs, but that's beside the point at the moment (but, realistically, that would be giving the mom a huge reason to think you're a bad influence on her daughter... using your catch phrase, JUST SAYN ;).  Focus 100% on moving you and your girl to Ohio, and try to eliminate yourself from the conflicts between the gf and her mother.  The mother may think she can take it out on you that her daughter is moving away, but she's just being selfish, and you really don't have to accept that as your problem.  Support your wifey as she deals with her relationship with her mother, but allow her to make her own decisions and do not allow yourself to get in the middle of their conflict.

As far as the verbal abuse the mom is inflicting on you, and I know this will be challenging, but you have to basically "grin and bear it."  Being an ignorant bitch is another issue of hers that you don't need to accept as your own.  Again, make your priority supporting your gf as she deals with her mother's abusive behavior.  Be who the girl wants to run to, and not another part of the chaos that she wants to run from.  This is my standard advice when my friends need help figuring out how to keep someone in their lives; don't give her reasons to not want to be in your life.  Saying that it sucks that her mom is a crazy, immature homophobe may be putting it lightly, but in my opinion, there isn't a more productive way to look at this.  If you want to get out of the situation and start a new life with this girl, then dust your shoulders off and get to it. 

While the mother may sound like she would be delicious for the gators, I'm completely serious when I tell you to not do anything stupid, which includes threatening her.  Regardless of how foul this woman sounds, it's very important to realize how unattractive violent behavior is, and you will lose the girlfriend if you lose your shit.  I'm sure of this. At the end of the day, this is her mother, and I don't know your girlfriend, but I personally have a hard time imagining a fairy tale future with any person who would assault anyone, let alone my own silly ass momz.  So, don't give up on the future with the girlfriend - be only a positive in her life, and you will have the best chance of this coming up roses.  What is that saying?  Happy wife, happy life... or something like that?  Well, I leave you with one last token of wisdom:  Don't be a quitter, keep shittin' glitter.




Thanks for the question,  Madd Hatter.  Happy trails back to Ohio.  


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