11/08/10 - Not So Shalom in the Home

Dear Miss Alanny,
I've had an ongoing problem for over a year now.  I live in a small apartment complex, with two levels, and I live on top.  The person that lives below me is an obnoxious hag who is extremely disruptive to my life.  I can clearly hear a lot that goes on because apparently the floors here are thin.  (I'm also not going to lie and say I've never laid down and put my ear against the linoleum to try to make sense of what the hell is going on down there.)  One or more of the following things goes on pretty much every day, all day, or late into the night:
-Loud, horrendous cackling at whatever the fuck it is she is watching on TV.
-Incessant, random, non-sensical screaming that seems to be directed at no one in particular.  (I say this because it has happened when her child is not at home.)
-Disturbing verbal abuse to the previously mentioned child.  Some examples of things I've heard the ogre scream at him..."Go in your room and shut the FUCKING DOOR, MOTHERFUCKER!" and "If you can't figure out how to turn on your own DVD player, than I ain't showing you, ya dumb motherfucker!" and a classic, "SHUT THE FUUUUUUUUCK UUUUUP!!!"  (Keep in mind this boy can't be any older than six, and I've also seen the bus for disabled children pick him up for school.) 
-Slamming doors, and incredibly loud thumping and pounding noises that shake the entire building.
-Her having a karaoke party with herself.  And it's not pleasant.
-Loud, stupid "gatherings", that include other nasty and dispicable people much like herself, along with their five million children.
-Sex-related moaning and groaning noises that involve her and another foul beast who is just as gross or more gross than her.
-The school bus outside honking for two fucking hours because the ogre is too lazy to emerge from her den to go outside and get her child on and/or off of the bus.
I've already complained to the landlord and even called a noise complaint in to the police.  The landlord probably sent a letter, and the cops showed up one night and told her and her pals of the week to keep it down.  But the behavior always begins again.  Do you have any other suggestions for lines of defense against this hippo?  
-Desperate for Elimination

Wow, Desperate, I don't blame you for wanting to eliminate this "foul beast" from your life (or from Earth).   I'm not sure I even know where to start... My instinctive response for any question regarding retaliation is to fight fire with fire.  But, while some of these behaviors of hers you mention could be hilariously re-enacted and therefore even fun for you (I would never advise anyone AGAINST a private karaoke party), I really don't support you screaming obscenities at your own children, or even having loud sea monster sex (unless you're into that sort of thing), so we can't exactly go eye for an eye here.

I had a nasty and mentally insane roommate once in college.  She didn't scream a lot, and there were no children around, thank goodness, but she did have audible sex that I could hear both through the wall separating our bedrooms and, even better, quite loudly when they took it to the shower (nothing like communal spaces being used for Animal Planet antics to make you never feel clean again).  She also asked me "Is that Puff Daddy?" every single time a black guy was on television, which isn't really relevant to where I'm going with this but I still felt like mentioning it for some reason... she was a total C.B.H, too, B.T.Dubs, but anyways... It was my first apartment ever, and while I could live with most of the nastiness, after about a year I could no longer live with the insanity, and I had to figure out what I could do to get out of my lease.  I ended up getting a new apartment and having to pay for both places for awhile, but hey - you live, you learn and there is no price on peace of mind, right?  Right.  P.O.M. is essentially what you are asking me to help you find, so let's look at your options.  As far as I can tell, those options are:  1.) You could move and, 2.) You could get her to move.

I'm assuming that since you haven't taken the first option already, you are not in the position to move.  Whatever the reason, moving sucks and I don't blame you for not wanting to do it.  However, I'm warning you now that forcing someone out is not as easy as you might think.  It's just another instance in which life is not like a movie.  During my situation with the former roommate, I tried having all of the utilities (which were in my name, and which she had apparently considered herself not at all responsible for paying) turned off, hoping that she would say "F this, I'm out!" and take her crazy ass down the road, but instead she just got even crazier and starting having even weirder frequent house guests, to whom she would point out things that I was doing to her, including her theory that I broke my own DVD player so she couldn't use it.  And to think - I didn't even know that I was required to provide her with a DVD player!  What I'm saying is, a beast like this has way too many dirty dishes, laundry and hamster cages to just pick up and move easily, so don't be shocked that she just lights some candles and stays put.  In retrospect, I probably took an entirely wrong approach, since she definitely didn't understand that she needed to pay for the lights and phone to be on, once that they were no longer on.  But, again... you live, you learn.  I don't know if my mom found that philosophy all that comforting when she had to co-sign on a loan to pay off all of the money I owed the City of Bowling Green for utilities, as well as an MCI Long Distance phone bill that neither of us understood how I'd acquired, as she had provided me with a cell phone specifically to prevent such charges, and I didn't even know anyone in a 440 area code, but it is my personal belief that she should have just been relieved that this sociopath never murdered me in my sleep.  So, hey - that's a positive!

I am going somewhere with this - my point is that you need to go further than I did with your force out methods, but also remain un-murdered in the process.  This could be tricky.  Your neighbor sounds, oh, slightly unstable... and I think if you just did some of the stuff she's doing - noise, etc. - she would just use it against you when you're trying to get your landlord and/or the cops to respond to your complaints.  Even worse, if you do something like I wanted to do to my former roommate the day I moved out, which is put fish in all the vents (this was a joint idea between Abbis and myself, and I have to assume we were inspired by Dirty Work - a classic comedy starring Norm MacDonald - but neither of us felt like spending money on fish OR getting all handyman with the ceiling vents, so it didn't happen.  Also - based on the way this girl's bedroom always smelled, I don't think she would have noticed all that much), your neighbor might do something crazy insano to get you back, like have someone hide under your car and cut your ankles.  And yes, that is a real thing that happens, and I am not crazy insano myself for thinking about stuff like that.

I'm going to suggest a classic haunted house scenario.  Now, you might be thinking, "you JUST SAID that life is NOT a movie..." BUT, I would like to point out that paranormal research is very popular at the moment, and it's not just people in the movies who believe in ghosts, but also in reality TV, so.... there ya go.  Obviously, it's legit.  Now, let's get serious about a game plan; she sounds dumb, so this should be easy.  Try to run into her when you are coming or going, and happen to tell her that your cat died, but that you still see it running around the building sometimes.  Then let your cat run around the building a couple times a day for several days.  If you talk to her again, make sure she understands that this cat she is seeing is your dead cat.  ("Do you have a striped cat?"  "I did, but he died."  "Do you know who's cat has been running around the building?" "I don't think anyone else had a cat in here... I had one, but he died" "Did you get a new cat?"  "Nope"... you get the idea.)  Classic trickery.  Nothing too complicated.  Maybe some bloody cat prints on her door... but, you can use fake blood if you don't feel like mutilating your cat for this project.  Very importantly now, if you can, have a conversation with her about how you think the building is haunted.  Come up with some good examples (your front door opens after you've chain locked it... framed pictures in your house have been turned around... etc.).  And then, obviously, you're going to want to try to do things with her belongings or whatever you have access to manipulate, but the best part is that once the idea of ghosts is in her head, she will find everything creepy!  That's how this ghost-believing thing works!  I myself have slept with the lights on because someone has told me a semi-plausible story about ghosts... and I'm totally not even dumb!  If you tell her you think the building is haunted and why, and then the next day she finds her tires slashed, her mind will go straight to a ghostface perpetrator.  

I don't think a ghost is very likely to slash a person's tires, but I think you should do this anyways, because she sounds like a real C.U.Next Tuesday, and I just think that sometimes karma needs a vessel, and why not you, Desperate?  In case she doesn't fall for the "paranormal activities," I advise you to do the vandalism while she is either having one of her gatherings or you're hearing the sweet sounds of beastly love, and you're sure her guest is over, because this will eliminate you from her list of suspects when she finds the damage, as she will assume that one of her party people did it because she owes them money... or that her lover's wife has figured out where she lives... either way, you're most likely in the clear, and she will probably consider going into hiding, which is exactly what we want.  So, yeah... I think my work here is done.

Oh, also - the next time you hear her call the kid a "motherfucker," you should call Child Services.  Or maybe start drinking some liquid courage the next time you hear the bus honking, and once she's actually put him on it and it's driving away, meet her downstairs and kick the "ogre" square in the taco.*

*tm Sue Sylvester :)


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